My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
