how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
