I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
