I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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