I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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