I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
