She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
