girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
