Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
