Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
