Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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