she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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