He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am one with the molecules
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
