remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
