i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Houston, we have a squirter
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
