Moan for me like Helen Keller
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
