When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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