Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
