You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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