They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
