Just took my morning after pill in the library
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
why is half of my head shaved?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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