She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
