I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
