If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
