who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
