My friends, they love my intelligence
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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