I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
