I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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