I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
