so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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