Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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