Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
