I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
