You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
