walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
