I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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