Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
as a side note pls kill me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
