I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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