how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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