I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
