I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
its liver damage thursday
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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