I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
