Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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