The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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