so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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