help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
