i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
