someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
