Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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