you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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